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:icontsukiyohei: More from Tsukiyohei


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Submitted on
July 9, 2008
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Like from afar, the guitar mumbles
The buzzing crowd then heaves and fumbles
The leering ceiling shudders--
My sight blurs with sweat as I make the strings purr

Love is such a lazy note
Nevermind if alluring fingers always find--
They strut and dumbly dote along
The wanton path paved down my spine

The melody's beat swirls 'round my fingertips
The mellow bass suddenly invades my veins and I'm speechless
Metal cords smile into my skin-- make my back stiff
She smiles and sways while she's falling off her feet

Love goads me to play
Crackling lightning inside of me is all I can take--
The old hollow in me is missing today
My filtered voice wails my tale

The show is over and my feet guide one another offstage
My head twirls and my eyes are stained green
The light shines and snickers--
And then I'm just a fading breath on the microphone

My legacy may die in the air
This is a more recent poem I've written, with lots of help from Hana with editing and revising xDD Thanks! ... Yeah, 's pretty much it. Enjoy?
:icontategami:
Tategami Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2008
Mm, I really like this, Joe.

It gives the essence of a moment, one that doesn't last forever, and captures it in time. It highlights all the ups and downs, all the madness of a single moment.

The only thing that stopped me was that I wasn't sure if it had anything to do with romantic love. Is the "she" you're referring to the guitar itself, the musician, or possibly a love interest? Could have used some specification there.

I also didn't really care for how it would go from open, spoken word, to a fixed rhythm, and then back again. That, however, is simply personal preference in sticking to one style for a piece.

Overall, it gains Cal's stamp of approval : D

Yay critique~
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:iconrandompedestrian:
RandomPedestrian Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2008
I love all the personification. Favourite line? "The light shines and snickers". Fershure. <333
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:iconvyvianlee:
VyvianLee Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Already know what I think of it. Which is loving. <3
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